Popular furniture store, TimberCraft, has once again managed to narrowly avoid closing its doors to the public.

In what appeared to be a last straws effort, TimberCraft managers were able to develop, implement, and flawlessly execute a "going out of business" sale. The results were so outstanding that the company was able to return to solvency.

In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the Federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.

"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates. "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone."

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop-N-Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.

Microsoft (Nasdaq: MSFT) announced that it is selling advertising space in the error
messages that appear in Windows. Acknowledging for the first time that the average user
of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft
is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad
impression.